We’ve all been there. Your day is humming along fine, and all of a sudden your child "misbehaves" out of the blue.
Refuses to get ready to leave the house (for no apparent reason)
Has so much energy their body is moving way to fast - and they can’t slow down to focus
Has a full blown meltdown over “nothing”
And we wonder… Why the heck did they do that? And how do we get them to stop this behavior?
The key to unlocking the behavior is to actually examine the emotions behind it.
Our emotions represent our inner and instinctual state of mind
Our behavior is the outward manifestation of those feelings
At any given time, our emotions can impact how we interact with others, how we perceive the situation, how we make decisions, and direct our outward facing actions.
Think of human emotions like the hand that controls the dominos… it can set the dominos up nicely, or with a flick of the hand send them all tumbling.
Kiddos often experience strong emotions…but they don’t have years of experience to guide them like we do. As adults, we have a “rolodex” (or laundry list) of times when we experienced a strong emotion and how we handled it.
I was disappointed when I wasn’t offered the job
I felt sad when my friends moved away
I was frustrated my car broke down on the way to a meeting
This isn’t our first rodeo - and we know what these emotions feel like and how we’ve handled them in the past.
We also know what behaviors are socially acceptable. As adults, we may express our strong emotions privately to our partners, friends, or therapists behind closed doors, but we understand that major outbursts of emotionally driven behavior are usually frowned upon in many cultures (and often have major societal or legal consequences).
Not so for our kiddos. Not yet, anyway.
They don’t have any practice managing strong emotions
They are still learning what’s considered acceptable
Their logical brain to make decisions won’t be fully developed until they are in their 20’s
So…. now what? How can we manage when this occurs?
Try these two steps:
1. Stop and notice
When a kiddo is acting up, the chances are that they don’t even notice that they are doing it.
The other day before school, my youngest couldn’t sit still. He was talking a mile a minute without realizing it, and climbing all over the furniture.
I started by lightheartedly pointing out the change in behavior: “I noticed that you have extra wiggles today!”
2. Get curious and try to look for the emotion behind the behavior
It’s difficult for many adults to identify their underlying emotion - never mind our kiddos! So start with some gentle questions to get their wheels turning.
“Where do you think these extra wiggles are coming from? Are you excited for the party at school today? Are you nervous about something?”
Don’t worry if they can’t identify the emotion right off the bat. This is a skill that they will develop over time.
Sometimes the behavior needs immediate attention.
Extra fidgeting is one thing - but other behaviors are more serious. Let’s say we’re at the playground, and our child bites another child. Definitely something we need to address right away.
The tricky part about harmful behaviors is that it often triggers an emotional reaction in the adults in charge - the parents, teachers, or caregivers. If our kiddo bites someone, it’s upsetting…not to mention embarrassing. Cue the emotions rising!
In these situations, we feel we need to immediately teach our kiddo that the behavior is absolutely unacceptable. Sometimes this comes in the form of scolding, raised voices, and stern or angry demeanor.
But if we address the offending behavior only - what are we teaching about the emotion?
Remember….these young kiddos don’t actually realize what they are doing! Children often act with impulse when their emotions are too much to handle. Like an overflowing pot of boiling pasta, these behaviors are the ONLY outlet they can access at the time when they can’t find the words.
So maybe try calmly letting the behavior pass (of course, removing them from a situation where they might hurt themselves or others) and letting them know that you are ready to talk about it when they are. Oftentimes, I will just sit with them and let the big emotions or outward behaviors pass, gently reminding them I am there and will help them as soon as they are ready.
Looking at the emotion BEHIND the behavior (even “defiant” behavior) can change the way you parent.
You have the opportunity to be the detective, give them tools ahead of time, and model how to manage big feelings. See what trends you start noticing with your particular kiddo, such as when they chew on their clothes because they are nervous, or throw a tantrum when they can’t have their favorite snacks.
Then maybe the next time that situation arises, you can check in with them. It’s such a great opportunity to guide them through explosive or powerful emotions. This way, we can help them build the “rolodex” of emotional experiences as they grow.
And guess what? You may find that emotionally-driven behavior happens to you too! As parents, we aren’t immune to it. Maybe we’re embarrassed by a public tantrum, annoyed by their disruptive behavior, or frustrated that their emotional meltdown will make us late for work. We’re still human beings, and sometimes we need to take a breath and apply these steps to ourselves too.
Emotions may be high this month as our kiddos transition back into school and adjust to having homework and activities. I’m posting a link to this video on how to “Be a Worry Detective” from a Tuesday Talk I did in a parenting group to help you investigate all their emotions!
If you are interested in learning more about about different ways you can start to parent different and are looking for assistance in figuring out new and different ways to connect with your child, my Parenting Take 2 Program is a perfect match! In this 6 to 8 week private support program I will assist you in finding new ways to parent your child by creating a personalized set of tools specific to your needs and your child's needs. You share your challenges and concerns, I interact with your child in playful sessions to learn how movement and mindfulness will benefit them, and then we connect the dots! Learn more by clicking the button below.
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